hais. really wonder whats wrong with me sia. wonder if this is the stage where life is messed up, and whether its all my fault. don't know leh, ever since came to sec 3, been a tumbling ride ( i know there's no such use of a metaphor, just infer ok). since leaving 2e,or maybe i still couldn't bear to leave them. haven't been really able to bond well in my new class. then came being a cca leader, things have been changing ever since then sia. can tell you the truth sia. was damn emotionally drained cos of these changes. had no idea what it will take to recover. seriously alot of things changed leh, i wonder if i messed up handling all these. i wonder if i have changed myself. am i losing myself? like seriously la, wth happened to my squad and squadmates sia. ncos, i need your help too. like compare past and present, did i change (mostly thinking bout cca) to make things the way it was, did i lose sight of what i really wanted to do.

family, don't know what to say to them sia. too many maybes and too many lessons for me to learn. if i talk back i get scolded, i don't talk i get scolded, i agree with them i get scolded (obviously since i was agreeing with something that was totally false. cos my mum will be like seeing my 3.2 gpa and asking 'er the lowest score in the school is 3.0 gpa right? or stuff like that, which really makes my blood boils. and saying things like 'you don't know how to calculate gpa right?' or when i get an A1 'everybody got an A1 right?' seriously makes my blood boils sia. and they always wonder why i talk back at them. then i stopped and just kept silent. still get scolded. then i agreed with them (somehow when it came out it was really sarcastic) got scolded again.don't know what to do leh, hard to be appreciative all the time, i'm becoming colder and colder. which brings me back to my original question. nothing la, just reflecting on myself. or maybe its more like i'm losing myself.

i know what i should do. i can guess why i became a cca leader. i know what i should be doing bah, i don't lie (unless its neccessary), and i won't break a promise.

don't know whether i should include this. you better put in more effort into my bday present sia, if you see this and feel guilty its most probably you, if not don't think too much about it.

unreasonable? i'm pretty confused myself