Booking in soon got guard duty D=. ehhhhh sian. Recently i read this book called emotional labour, and it talked bout burnout and stuff in the public service sector. I realised i have much of the symptoms they wrote there lol -_-. But i really do feel tired and not ok. Feel damn sian and tired of everything. Everything stresses me out. I haven't really felt happy for a long time. I really feel darn empty inside. zzz. not having anything to do bores me out but now have stuff to do become darn zzz -_-. But i think i have this problem for a long long time liao. I wasn't always like this lor -_-. But i guess alot of stuff took too much of a toll on me hai. And i guess i worry too much =/. I don't want to become anti-social but it feels like trying to connect with people takes freaking lot of effort. But i really do like people. Connecting with people used to be freaking easy and natural -_-. i think i make people feel awkward around me they don't know how to talk to me lol i feel damn bad >_>.

Hmm i went for my USP interview already, went surprisingly ok? i didn't kill myself as much as i can tell even though it was my first ever interview lol. the alumni seems more satisfied with my answers and the prof didn't give much expression lol. They just asked the few standard questions first like why USP, why my choice of major, then from there they pose questions according to what i say, like i said the USP modules was very interesting then they asked which ones and why, then i said i wanted to be a teacher so they asked me about stuff like role of a teacher in society lol. So it went rather ok like that cos it was something i was interested in and really felt for xD. But the interview quite short that was basicly all they asked me lol. Ooh yeah actually before the interview i was actually quite nervous because you know first ever interview -_- then there was this air force pilot guy who came in and wanted to take USP too, then he started talking to all of us and i guess the talking relieved a bit of nervousness lol. Which was quite fortunate i think o.o He signed on in the air force and he's 22 now? and haven't go uni yet o.o and he said he has like 9 more years to serve a bond as a pilot o.o

Then from there i went to the NUS FASS open house which i got freaking lost and in my formal clothes sweat like crap walking around NUS trying to find the place -_-. omg my sense of direction really cmi ttm lol. I rushed into the open house building then the first thing i did was to rush to the toliet to let my shirt dry >_>. I basicly just took all the brochures then went home to change out of formal wear (I don't know why but i feel super uncomfortable in formal wear) before heading to PA HQ for ride to sunrise meeting, for YEC stuff la lol. I'm finally doing stuff as a member of the YEC xD.

Got called up for MOE interview also liao, then dunno whether i heard wrongly or not but over the phone i think i heard what a provisional offer? But is that possible ._. They told me i would have to take econs as a major which is what i intended, take at least 4 modules of social studies and 2 modules of math. I wonder if social studies and singapore studies got any difference or not ._. Hope got lol. But not very sure whats going on la, i was in camp when they called me (actually quite duh) then very tired then i just ok ok to everything lol -_- but the interview keeps getting pushed back don't know gonna reschedule until when =/ at first was on next tues, then is field camp day can't skip. Then they pushed it back to thursday which is got some other high key event also can't skip -_-. Then now don't know what liao hope they push it to friday :D. But if they try to contact me i'll be in field camp and not next to my phone -_- unless i decide to bring my phone for field camp lol. K stress why can't things be more smooth running and convenient -_-. Then Sunday got high key event, monday morning got high key event, then only mon afternoon to tues morn can go out, pretty much rest of the week high key event -_-.

Another thing would be that i got shortlisted for air force interview (as a gbad, ground based air defence not pilot lol). I suppose its good life but i want to go medic vocation leh o.o But if i can't get into medic i would rather go air force lol. But i can't tell -_- rawrs -_-.

Hope i will get better and stop feeling like this. It really sucks quite badly -_-. Time flies, almost 4 months in army liao, seems a substantial amount of time has already passed but actually the 4 months feel super long like i did alot of stuff already lol. A levels are closing in for the yr 6s in rv hope they do well! 2e outing soon looking forward to it :D

I decided (quite long ago actually) that i wanted to be a teacher lol. Ehh..i was thinking how best i could help the world and if i could imagine doing it myself for the rest of my life. I first considered engineering and was very interested especially in SUTD o.o cos like super exciting a totally new university lol but it was too far away ._. And after doing research i realised that engineering not much scope in sg la, i would have wanted to work in like energy field but sg don't really have such a thing. Then in the end just decided not to go for it lol i didn't want to work in a chemical plant or sth for the rest of my life ._. Then I was left with teaching and social work, and ended up choosing teaching lol. I think i'll enjoy and like the job ^^ I can imagine myself doing it for the rest of my life too heh xP trying for a moe teaching scholarship now, went for a psychometric test 2 weeks back and till now no news about the interview >_> please please please let me get the scholarship lol. Anyway i did amazingly (amazed me o.o) well for A levels (not being ego ._.), all As lol. i totally wasn't expecting it that day, i thought my econs would be like B? though i thought i had a chance to get an A la o.o but my GP i was seriously expecting a C at best, like really i was praying to at least get a C or a D don't look too bad on my result slip lol. I really thought i screwed up my GP paper i totally didn't have enough sleep the night before, too stressed ._. i thought my essay was screwed and totally incoherent, i spent like 20+ mins planning and choosing a question? then the half hr break i decided to pull myself together for the compre and think i did better for that one o.o somehowwwwww i managed to get an A yayyyyy happy lol ^^ but that day was super scary i didn't dare to approach alot of ppl ._. feel darn lousy got friends who did badly but i couldn't comfort them i think i would just make things worse zz -_-.

 So anyway i decided to go for NUS economics, which means i applied for NUS FASS and got it already ~. yep planning to become an econs teacher lol. then i applied for USP too, university scholars programme, its like you can replace your breadth modules in uni with the USP modules, i think its quite interesting ^^. its not a scholarship but unique modules that you can take in USP? but i'll have to stay in campus though, even though its quite exciting for me i don't know if i will pang seh my parents lol, then will be like army sunday book in friday book out xD. Though i think i'll be able to like go home for dinner then return back so i guess more ok bah o.o see first try my best to get it first! they msged me today to go for the interview tml ._. so short notice lol hope i can get it wish me luck ^^.

 I think i should learn to be more honest with myself. I wonder if i'm trying to be cold blooded as well, not trying to feel anything. Deny the things that really matter to me? I feel like i'm in a daze, no idea whats going on around me. Find it quite hard to connect with people now. Have no idea whats wrong actually -_- I really should stop being so emo. i think i never let myself run out of things to worry about -_- my brain is like totally exhausted lol. save me sigh. My first ever interview tml suprisingly o.o Back in rv in yr 6 the school invited somebody from the admissions department from a very good university in UK, i forgot the name oops =X but i know its like quite high ranking one lol. Then after the talk i was very relieved because those people from the top universities didn't dissapoint me. I sound like i'm going in a circle =X. He was like very knowledgeable and friendly and could tell us alot of things, including wanting to see the real us and know more about us how interesting we are, and that for every application he wants to go out and tell everybody how great we are lol. I could tell the sincerity in his demeanor. And the point is that like if you fail to get into this university, maybe this university doesn't suit you so find another one that suits you. So you should be yourself and find one that is a perfect fit for yourself. So i'm gonna go to the interview with that attitude tml, just being myself and honest i guess o.o

Its been what, almost 4 months since i enlisted? Time really flies didn't expect life in NS to pass by so fast o.o so 18 more months to ord just 1.5 yrs more ._. thats still quite long -_- hope to be able to learn something useful out of NS, hope i will get into combat medic spec ^^. BMT was a meaningful and memorable experience lol ahem ahem. i'm not supposed to say much bout what goes on inside ns -_-. Anyway i'm in scs now, specialist cadet school and i guess that was what i wanted, didn't really see a point in striving for ocs o.o and i didn't like to compete to stand out too, so oh well scs good enough for me ^^ plus if i want be medic can't go ocs lol. Anyway i'm enjoying life in scs now ^^.

Hmmmmmmmmm came back to this blog after a long time because suddenly i had some things to pen down. Came back and saw the blog views thing was surprised there were still ppl visiting my blog o.O i thought blogging was long dead lol. But i still enjoy reading those people's blog who are still active and will write stuff one lol. But nobody blogs frequently anymore like sec 1 sec 2 that time almost everyday blog one o.o Back then i think i blogged because friends can keep updated on my life and i can keep updated on my friends life if we are too busy to talk to each other lol. Now got facebook and stuff -_-. Wonder if its really good for us or not. Would prefer meeting up to talk more than any other media lol(duh). Maybe facebook makes us feel connected where in fact we aren't really =/. I rmb back then i was afraid of blogging out my true feelings because i didn't really want people to know? blogging is like such a dilemna you want ppl to know bout you or don't want ._.

 I..recently said goodbye to a friend i guess? Even now i don't really know what happened and why it had turned out this way lol. Guess i'm the type of person that wants to properly say goodbye to end things. For 2 years + i've always been thinking why did it become like this, and what can i do. And i've felt really miserable cos of it. And now i don't really know what to do or say anymore, and i'm really tired of it already. I feel..regret i guess? I wish..you would care abit more bout all this so i won't seem like a fool trying and being so bothered by it. I really hated how much you ignore me and closed up to me. But now thinking about it also don't know who to blame la. My fault too. And the point wasn't to find somebody to blame anyway. I feel so bothered by this. Thinking whats wrong with me all the time. Guess i went abit overboard with tormenting myself -_-. Actually i don't know what to type about this part of my life lol. Guess i don't really feel anything anymore -_-. Just exhausted lol. In the end..there are really alot of reasons to hold negative feelings towards you. To how you just said you have nothing to say to me. Maybe its true? Got so many questions about everything, and thinking about all of this hasn't helped at all. I wish we would talk but i guess we aren't going to. I think its both of our fault bah, and i regret that..we couldn't be friends again. But still..my life in rv really wouldn't have been the same without you and you really gave me alot of good memories. so thank you, wish you good things i had a great time :)