sometimes we talk about what is the past, what is the present. how it was like in the past and how isit like in the present. but what exactly is the difference between the past and the present? just our perception, maybe how different the past is from the present, but all in all its part of the same timeline, so when there is a problem in the past and its still on going now, don't treat it like its the past. stop treating things like its already in the past, cos when its the past there's nothing to do to change that, but i don't think thats the case. so don't just treat like its already in the past and give up. we humans are interesting beings..have the serenity to accept what we cannot change, have the courage to change what we can and the wisdom to tell the difference. i guess thats what life is about?

xin tong. dissapointment. fedup. frustration. helplessness. a desire to not change. a gift. a long wait. can i don't ever lose you?

bleh, what am i talking about?

blogger being screwed i can't really blog properly o.O

nvm! i post the 2 videos of our rod dance again! this time the first video is still guo wang wang hou / hua hu die, but is taken from guofeng's camera, i think its better cos you can see everybody at the same time and you can't see my face muahahahaha xD. 2nd video is can we chill, also taken with guo feng's camera, its really a great dance! just that the lighting very bad can't really see our dance in detail =/ but is really nice de, hais =/

k enjoy!





what am i supposed to do? i'm still struggling and i won't give up, though i can see.

feeling feverish o.O so many people in my class falling sick nowadays la..and its monday today, hais so sian -_- still feeling damn bored, and i'm quite worried dragonboat won't be what i'm looking for o.O dunno if i can join sl, but hearing from other people its not that nice a place either o.O this blog post might get abit sian for you o.O realised i did change abit, what isit that i lost, zest? dunno why but think my thought processing is abit damaged, in the past i could always see things linked together so one idea would almost immediately follow the next, but now i keep blanking out o.O hmm, quite frustrated bah? so many things i didn't do, and i'm still not doing anything about it. I feel like crap, fear is holding me back.

just typed alot about nco life, but wonder if i should publish it o.O

somebody give me a direction, somebody wake me up

omg! just now my com suddenly went into a blue screen leh! but don't think is bsod la, cos got some words on it saying that if this is the first time seeing this then restart, then i restart liao still the same, then say otherwise can go into safe mode and do whatever changes you want. then i went into safe mode and prayed..hais i think i nowadays do too many bad things le, hais. then i did something and i could access my com in safe mode =/ i was damn scared sia..of losing all the memories that is stored inside the com xP hahas if you all see it will think quite stupid bah, the first thing i saved was my msn history, then pictures folder, then maple screenshots followed by np stuff in case its ever needed again xP. i only saved these cos its the only stuff that i can't replaced or is too troublesome to replace lols. quite dumb right? but msn history and maple screenshots really holds alot of memories for me xD. pictures too la.

i think my com like that quite meaningful leh..but first i want to say i really love my com sia, super grateful to it! hahas am i going crazy? cos the guy who fixed my com said that a com's life is about 3 years, then imagine if the com was a person, 1 year would be equal to 30 human years. so by the time the com is 3 years, it would be 90 years old liao. my com served me for 6 years liao leh..omg 180 years! and it still works fine lol until recently..thank you alot leh..how to repay? =/ so sorry.. i'm not crazy it only feels right to say all of this -_- hais but really quite sad my com =/ oh ya, i think quite meaningful cos while i was saving the msn history i read some of it, and it..rekindled something in me. reminded me of how it was like before, its really nice to remember such things, when well, truth be told cca leader is quite a torturous task with somebody a personality like mine and made me..lesser. but i still xin gan qin yuan to do it ok!

talking bout np..lets finish blogging about it while my com is still holding up :)
sec 2 life. xiaoxi the one who is always scolding but still has us at heart =X kok leong the light hearted guy who loves to talk cock and still loves to talk crap as a CI o.O angel the very very nice mam. jo lin who is also very nice but know to scold us lols, me wilson leetheng simin saw jo lin at west mall quite recently, then although she looked exactly the same she looked prettier o.O a pure comment ok, no other intentions -_-.

sec 2 they started to take us, i also can't really imagine how it was like la, then just suddenly took over then..i think i just accepted it o.O i think our squad got quite angry at xiaoxi cos she always scold us. then i rmb one incident, i think it was rod that time? i can't rmb who le, we were in a classroom doing some rod stuff, then for our rod gift we made cups for our ICs, then i forgot who was carrying the cups, was it simin? then she carry carry then the cups was like..around the same height or taller than her -_-. then she dropped the cups liao..then a few of us were dunno abit unhappy? i especially rmb bernice whining about who is going to pay for the 50 cents cup that was broken -_- and i think it was only 1 cup that was broken -_- ya then i think some of us were reprimanding or giving out protests? then xiaoxi just snapped at us 'what you all scolding her for?! you all see her one person carry so much also nv help! its as much as it is your fault as it is hers, so why are you all scolding her for? you all not squadmates isit?' of course my memory is not that good to rmb it 100% but yep in general thats how it went la. then i think it really made sense, then whats more important it was so pure the words lol. is really kan bu xia qu how we treat our own squadmates then say de. really admire the past ncos o.O yep and she apologise later for her outburst lols.

i rmb making a note to myself that sec 2 was the toughest time for us, thats one of the reasons why i wanted to be a sec 2 ic ^^. ya..still not much memories of what did we do, but one of the more important things was the abolishment of corporal punishment. i didn't really like it sia o.O if given a choice i would want corporal punishment to be back. and np is really abide to it hor! one pumping also never do -_- so damn tough to keep up standard nowadays..then that time we wrote lines instead of pumping, then yeah write until alot of complaints and unhappiness then eventually no more liao. then there were more things like taking away of badges o.O then that time only a few seniors had all their badges lols.

sec 2 itc was as usual tough, can refer back to my archives in 2007 march for itc post, i can't rmb what happened xD. just that our itc performance was hais -_- actually a dance was chorographed liao, but we only had a month to learn then we thought not enough, then just settled for a skit =/ ahh..so sad. we chorographed jing wu men, then i think the song was played like 2 or 3 times during itc xP. then soon was rod..danced 1 2 step lols. then our ics said our dance was very nice just that all of our faces were so glum lols. yep then they told us we are now the sec 3 squad, then very fast 1 year will pass and we will be ncos le. how true.

sec 3.
sec 3 squad, yue ting. who really really scolds alot, but even if my squadmates kill me, if a person can be in np for 6 years it proves that her concern is for rvnp right? not that i liked her scoldings lar -_- guo feng which all of us really loved and who is really effective as an IC. chiouyih who is very very very kind but sadly didn't see her as much but i still know she loves us! xD hanqian who is quite sadly =/

cc com training! the one that made my campcraft really really good and made me really really proud of rvnp lols. still rmb all the self imposed punishments when we overshot the time limit, the 6 mins high quality tent pitched by the 9 of us, the smell of the mamilla hemp which i am very very very very x 100 sick of smelling. i got a cough from smelling that too often sia, but bo bian cos i flagstaff de then keep tieing and retying. then finishing a basha, flagstaff and gadget in 7 mins then cheered rvnp till nearly 9 mins then we stepped out of the competition area during practice xD imba lols. cos time limit is 10 mins you know. i also rmb how scary guofeng was when he got angry, killing aura was so strong i didn't dare to enter np room for the whole morning cos he was inside until he came out for sth and talked to me o.O then cc com on the day itself with really bad things happening, like the mallet breaking on the first hit, severe shortage of twine and the peg hitting bricks underneath, etc , etc. but we just improvised lols. then in the end our team damn cool, at 9 min 59s we gathered in one line and jumped out of the competition area together xD cos by 10 mins everybody must get out of the competition area le. then other teams were busy last minute while we did that la hahas. and the flagstaff was almost perfect! other the the peg hitting the brick but we were still able to make it straight and the flag not flying. other than that it was perfectly perfect o.O

yep..but didn't really get high scores for that =/ quite sad la..but was great experience. sec 3 itc was wth super freaking busy, 1 week choro and learn finish a dance, though the dance not very good la, wasn't even 2 mins xP. oh ya, sec 2 itc the sec 3 seniors dance sexy back totally awesome la!

ah, very tired, i try to finish up sec 3 life then go sleep. then pray my com can endure for a while more for me to finish blogging -_-

sec 3 life nth much le bah..got quite abit of problems, cos gonna be ncos le, ya. then i also went for .22 revolver shooting com, was 22nd in country for individual ~ xD k la not too bad la..then i went for shooting com again this year, results super poor la -_-. last year score higher, but grouping lousier got a few stray shots, but still quite centralise. this year grouping very good but aimed too low! rawrs. then june that time 23 out of 31 days of the june hols i spent it on np -_- but raymeo more imba than me, on top of the 23 days he got a few more days cos of syf training lols.

too sleepy -_- i cant rmb much bout sec 3 life le bah..blog again when i can rmb more xD pray for my com sia..

wait for me please..
i want to protect you

the computer really makes your brain rot -_-. must stop using it sia..but if i don't use i will be so freaking bored la -_-. why 4k cannot not like to go home so much? nowadays i abit feel like got alot of energy but dunno where to spend it on -_-, but i think all the energy receding le o.O don't feel as tired as before..but if any member of rvnp sees this i never regretted going into np ok! i think i will continue my update bout np tml or sat bah, as usual i picked around 9.30-10.30pm to blog again lols. maybe cos its around the end of the day le for me, so i choose this time to blog to end off?

today saw the cca leader's investiture sia..how times flies..(i say that phrase until i abit sick of it liao -_-). hahas rmb my cca leader's investiture back..becoming a cca leader with so many 2e de ppl xP especially ug lols, tingxiang bingle jesslyn ug de, then ruoling yujie and ningqian. then alot of ppl totally omged at me when they saw me wearing blue rings xP. no reason to feel sad bout the past right? xD I would want to blog more bout cca leader stuff la, but hor, you know public blog ._.

other than going into np stuff dunno what to blog liao bah..oh ya, i think i'm joining sl, dragonboat and still considering np. sl dunno la, seems interesting xP though i heard some controversial stuff o.O i think dragonboat approve as CCA liao, imba right dun even need to become SIA first, but not very sure yet la. damn bingle still haven't tell me all the members -_-. k this damn boring -_-

can ignore the below part, didn't really type it in the best of states -_-

you know today i had alot of thoughts

you can do everything, but not all at once. from champs xP

there's no point in continously thinking about something that you cannot solve. from dou hao xP

i wonder when will i be wise enough to know when to fight and when to give up, but then somehow for this i don't want to be wise le, cos i don't want to give up. cos i don't think i can live with this regret. but if i choose to fight what am i supposed to do anyway?

some of us dunno about cherishing, some of us talk about cherishing, but how many people really cherish the things around us? have i not been cherishing enough, have i not been trying? so why do i still feel like i'm losing alot? maybe i abit selfish sia..cos some people are just more precious to me..sad to say. I feel like quite alot of things i'm saying is wrong =/ I can only do so much..not everything.

just feel so seperate from your life now, why? as we grow up we change, some of us were pure, innocent, bubbly, tremendous amount of faith. but as we grow up we are forced to face with alot of things, namely to deal with dissapointments. None of us really wanted to change..but life sort of just forced us to change, to harden up, to adapt. But i see what other people are changing into..and i don't like it. therefore, i refuse to change. it may not be the strongest resolution cos i'm not really able to sort out my head and some things i forgot..but seriously, i don't want to change. hopefully soon, i will say i will not change.

so weird de post, can choose to ignore it -_-

its only been 2 days of the first week of no cca, and I'M ALREADY BORED TO TEARS! zzz, bored until i wanna die liao, I WANT TO FINISH MY BLOG POST ON NP! but dunno why everytime choose this kind of time to blog then don't really have the time to finish blogging everything -_-. I not scared of studies next year sia. I scared of being bored next year -_-, if everyday is like this next year, i will totally go and die zz. like even though what we studying is more indepth is like cut down by 50% for most of us o.O.

try to blog again tml -_-

I wonder if you remember my promise, don't worry, I do.

wonder if its cos i never touch the computer for so long liao, prolonged usage of the computer can actually make my eyes feel tired now ._. crap lols. and my mum is so irritating la, what the hell is wrong with me sleeping? i was thinking what the fuck earlier so you can tell how irritated i am -_-. bloody irritating leh, if i'm tired obviously i will try to sleep la, but she freakings scolds me everytime i try to sleep leh. what the hell is her problem? i can't sleep peacefully even once sia, bloody hell irritating, i hate it when people disturb me while i'm sleeping -_-. and its not just once lor, she did it over and over and over again. argh. whats her problem la seriously -_-.

hmm..well somehow i'm not in emo mood anymore ._. maybe cos my eyes very tired bah -_-. nearly 4 years gone past like that le, last time wearing my full u, last time cheering rvnp, last time biliblanja with squadmates liao. 4 years really passed that fast sia, still rmb in sec 1, i put ncc as first choice, then some random sports, performing arts, club and society then npcc as 5th choice xP. cos the say must like that mah. i put ncc first choice cos wenzhong force me to go ncc -_-, my sec 2 class damn lot ncc la. hahas but i got into npcc ^^. i think its because sec 1 that time will ask you write in the namelist right? then i wrote in npcc's one but nv write in ncc's one, so i guessed i wanted to join npcc anyway xD.

then you know we could have had alot of squadmates leh! if i'm not wrong mabelyn (that gpa very high de person lols) was in np but quitted almost immediately xP. i dunno whether kit kay was in np leh, cos i rmb talking to somebody who looks like him during the first day? but he quitted cos of ers..dunno photosensitivity? lols the more i think about it the more improbable it seems xP. ya..and 3 squadmates left halfway, dominique, germaine and yingling =/ quite sad la..i wonder how different things will be if they are still here? quitting np is a wrong choice la for the first 2, the last one sadly transfer =/.

First day at cca my memory is only that of yicheng cos he in same class as me, then raymeo cos his name easy to rmb xP, and weisheng cos well..he very ers outstanding xD. i find it really weird now leh, i don't really rmb np during sec 1 and sec 2, more like sec 3 and up? lols. sec 1 and sec 2 my np world was just yicheng raymeo and jonathan, cos all of us enthu then they would surely know everything xP. i have no impression of the girls O.O. ya then sec 1 ICs were mam yini sir eric sir kee ann. memorable things was that raymeo and jonathan got pulled out to be punished cos they smsed sir kee ann (that time they not sir and mam yet xP) that they wasted bringing their u? cos they asked us bring liao then nv wear. hehe don't kill me ar, just reminiscing xD. then ITC where i still didn't know much of my squadmates' names and yicheng who got pumped cos well, he suay la, he was the victim to teach our squad one for all all for one. ya and was it sergeant ers..xiangjun? i seriously don't rmb the name -_- but that nco came back during rod too lols, ya cos first few acts she took us, then itc she took us as well. then itc that time she and another nco were talking to us, then suddenly talk about how they were going to rod soon le, then she just started crying, then she said got sand in her eyes -_-. hehe i not heartless hor..

then that itc was 2 day 1 night de, but jnrs don't be jealous hor, its on a saturday then start at 8 in the morning, then ended at 6pm sunday. so its about the same as itc now which starts at 2.45 friday and ends at 12pm sunday =P. hahas then i rmb water parade, our squad drank dunno how many bottles of 1.5l water bottle, *gross*gopeealsocolourless*gross*, then yicheng and dunno who got promoted to bigger than president xD then at the end got recrea, the ncos then damn shiok la! can play with water xP. hahas i think we were at parade square, then we were asked to run to the end of the parade square, then run back them. then all the ncos throw water bombs at us while we were running back lols.

then then still got i rmb cos water war mah, then got our turn and ncos turn, then during our turn the ncos just sat there like statues meditating, then a few of us totally emptied our 1.5l water bottles on them muahahahaha xD.

then soon is rod liao, i still can't believe i danced wu niang -_- and then i thought wu niang was super fast la. now after dancing guo wang wang hou + hua hu die/ can we chill i think wu niang totally no kick xD. i rmb rod we gave alot of food to our ncos lols, yep rod was quite weird, but super fun at the same time, could really feel the np spirit~, ICs leaving dunno la..i can't really rmb how i felt from back then.

hahas i'm so long winded xP type so much liao only finished sec 1 life lols. so many things to reminiscing bout np life la..wonder if i want to continue with sec 2 sec 3 and nco life xP dunno la see tml xD. I think this post long enough liao hehe, good night people!

yo! xD i haven't blogged for so long not because i abandoned my blog ok, its because my com spoiled -_- for 1 whole month lols, hahas was bored at first but then realised i got so much free time now without using the com. now start using again abit unused la..like no longer very interested in using com -_- maybe i really had some of addiction? hehe anyway..highlight of the past month , handing over and rod.

talk bout ROD first bah..was super memorable =). morning ndp, was kinda sian and feeling faint, cos i stayed up till 1am + the night before to finish sewing the weather dolls and prepare u ._. damn tiring la, like i sit there and sew until my butt pain -_-. oh ya, i wonder if the sec 2s know if those things are weather dolls and how to use them ._. hehe ok don't digress. well, ndp celebrations in the morning (was there any?) was zzz, then went back to class play some bingo game. then ers..don't want to elaborate so much, just alot of bad choices -_- then ended up the guys sang home lols. then yep dismissed and went np room.

from around 11+ till 3+ was practicing dance over and over and over again, our dance damn nice la, super proud of it xD. but my ankle not really fully healed yet so some actions tough -_-. Soon was parade liao, all of us changed into full u. hahas the fact that that would be the very last time we would be wearing our u didn't really registered in me, and us i think, cos we just happily changed into our u like every other time xD.

parade..damn cool la, shouted the pledge. then my mind just clicked and thought this would be the very last time i would be doing this then just shouted, then i could sense alot of emotions from raymeo standing in front of me, the louder i shouted the louder he shouted xP ya..too bad the whole school wasn't there to see us hehe. then after parade got people start crying liao..the very last time we would be donning our full uniform, i think alot of us didn't want to take it off. see my squadmates cry i also..last time le leh. the very last time in np. but i think i hardened my heart too much le bah, i actually wanted to be sad and everything but couldn't -_-. then after that took alot of photos ^^ i still dunno how to pose for a picture properly la, always damn ugly -_- can some pro person teach me? -_-

hahas then after that i got thrown up into the air twice while still wearing my full u -_- by squadmates la, dunno which idiot 2nd time throw my legs so high then i almost touched the floor xP. hahas but thats one of the things that made rod so memorable ^^ then after that rushed to change out of full u and into our dance clothes, then hurriedly tried to practice dance, cos our first dance never practice as much as our 2nd dance xP. but we still practiced it like..more than hundreds of times ok =P

then soon rod started liao, our performance was the first item, damn scared la, scared forget positions and moves -_-. but in the end not bad la, got alot of cheers muahahaha xD, but i looked at the video just now i damn lousy la, even though ankle not really fully healed some parts i totally lagged argh! shall post the video up when the 2nd dance video is also up. as in now only first dance up only, 2nd dance not up yet lols, so i post when both up liao ^^.

then sec 1 dance was so romantic hahas, sec 2s was pure awesome and sec 3 not bad also xP. the food a little -_- but i think they tried their best la. after that me and raymeo was at the flagpole there talking with the sec 2s, k la i didn't really talk much -_-. then the 2nd memorable thing happened, the sec 2s tried to taupok me and raymeo -_-. hahas then the 2 of us ran away, then couldn't run too fast cos of ankle and slippery shoes then tio caught ._. but then somehow managed to struggle to np room and then all the squad ics gave the gifts to the sec 2s there ^^. so sorry about the messages leh sec 2s! i keep forgetting to tell them bout it -_-.

didn't really manage to talk much la.. but i'll surely miss them, next time see them during cca confirm will feel nostalogic lols. then that time is 8+ liao, slacked around in np abit then CIs waited for us also lols, then we said thank you to all the CIs and ex ncos and ex CIs xP. among them were mam yini sir eric and sir kee ann, i really wonder how the felt sia. when the ncos they took us as sec 1s, then now they are seeing us rod as ncos..confirm will feel nostalogic lols 4 years passed by so fast..from sec 1s to roding as ncos huh. mam angel and sir kok leong too, our sec 2 ICs lols.

k i finish blogging about the day first, then after that we went vivo to eat abit cos some people hungry then rest of us went to eat dessert, do not ever buy sizzling sarsi from kopitiam, scam! then just talked talked talked, then they were talking about watching a movie but if watch liao dunnid go home already -_- then ya all of us just went home, i took the mrt alone i think, dunno where nicholas go he was supposed to be on the same train as me? lol. cos rest either long bang shannon's dad car or take bus, then i can't really long bang cos don't think its on the way then no way i taking bus la! so long. please keep in mind that i was sewing the gifts until 1am+ last night then the next day was dance dance dance parade dance rod start dance watch dance dance run here run there xP tired like mad lols. reached at 11.15pm, tired like siao, my mum talk to me i just uhm and nod only no other responsees lols. yep so thats my rod day, i think i will do the reflection part of rod tml bah, look at the time, what a weird time i chose to blog xP. btw sec 2s love your gifts xD.

so going to miss all of you